Monday, August 25, 2014

The Hunting Game

Some choose to hunt animals for enjoyment while he chose to hunt ladies for pleasure. 
Disclaimer: This post is not intended for the faint-hearted or for those seeking positivity of some kind. I felt that I have not written anything nearly creepy for the past year so my inner gothic lolita have been dying to come out of its hiding. ☺ I'm not here to scare you or anything and I don't need any psychobabble bullcrap. I have just always been fascinated by the unknown, the cryptids, the inexplicable and the human mind especially of those relating to psychopaths. *hint hint*

Alaska may be the largest state in the US but as of July 2013, there are only 736,399 occupants. The terrain consists of beautiful ocean coasts, rushing rivers, magnificent mountain peaks, famous glaciers, temperate rain forests, and an abundance of wildlife. This state boasts to offer tourists a pure wilderness experience. Situated just twenty five miles from Anchorage City is a valley called Knik River that is a favorite hunting region for dall sheep, goats, moose and bears. 

12 September 1982
One afternoon, Walter Gilmour and Leland E. Hale, a couple of Anchorage officers decided to go hunting on their day off.  It was already starting to get dark when both men settled to give up as luck wasn't on their side. They were cutting across the sandbar when they spotted a boot sticking out of the sand. This would usually be ignored by a regular person but for any police officer, curiosity denoted investigation. When they took a closer look, they were surprised to find a partially decomposed bone joint sticking out of the sand. Being familiar with the standard procedure for a crime scene, they opted to leave it behind so as not to contaminate any possible evidence and just take note of the location. They went back to their camp site afterwards.

Reports say that Sergeant Rollie Port, a decorated Vietnam Veteran was assigned to lead the investigation. He is considered as one of the top investigators in the force because of his meticulous ways in handling a crime scene. He began by taking photos and carefully examining the body for any trace of evidence before allowing it to get bagged. He then proceeded to use a large screen to sift through the sand around the location of the body which lasted for hours before he finally found a single shell casing from a .223-caliber bullet. Port was familiar with this type of ammunition and knew that it was used in high-powered rifles like M-16s, Mini-14s, or AR-15s.

Back in Anchorage, a preliminary autopsy revealed that the victim was a female, of undetermined age, and had been dead for approximately six months. The cause of death was three gunshot wounds from .223-caliber bullets. Ace bandages were found mingled in with the remains, causing investigators to suspect that the victim had been blindfolded at the time of death. The body which belonged to a dancer from the Wild Cherry Bar in downtown Anchorage was finally identified after a little of over two weeks. Friends say that the last time they spoke to her, she informed them of a man offering her $300 to pose for photos.

The investigators suspected that the above murder was not an isolated incident. Over the past two years, the number of missing persons reports being filed rose up quickly, most of these were topless dancers and prostitutes. They kept this suspicion to themselves, especially from the media to avoid the killer being tipped off. 

The Division of Alaska State Troopers and the Anchorage Police Department began working together to compare notes and share files. They particularly ventured on two unsolved cases from 1980 but only had few leads to pursue and very little evidence to utilize.

13 June 1983
On this particular evening, a trucker was passing through town when he noticed a frantic young female waving her arms and calling out to him. The girl with the torn clothes had a pair of handcuffs dangling from one of her wrists. She instructed the driver to take her to the Big Timber Motel where they asked the desk clerk to call the police. The truck driver then directly went to the Anchorage Police Department to report the incident.

When Anchorage Police Officer Gregg Baker arrived at the Big Timber Motel, he found the girl alone and still in handcuffs. Once he removed her cuffs, she began telling him an extraordinary story. According to reports she gave to investigators, she had been approached on the street by a 40ish, red-haired man, and offered $200 for oral sex. She agreed to the price, but midway through the act the man locked a handcuff around her wrist and pulled out a gun. He told her if she cooperated he would not kill her. He then drove to his house in Muldoon, an upper class area not far from town. Once inside, the man brutally raped her, bit her nipples, and at one point shoved a hammer into her vagina. After a brief rest, the man said that he was going to fly her to his cabin in the mountains and told her he would let her go if she cooperated. Upon their arrival at the airport, her kidnapper shoved her inside a small plane and began loading supplies. The young prostitute knew she was in serious trouble and that the man would probably kill her once they got to his cabin. Waiting until his back was turned, she shoved open the door and ran for her life. According to her, he chased after her at first, but then relented when he saw her wave down the truck driver.

After taking the girls' statement, the officers asked her to accompany them to the airport if she can identify the suspect's plane which she positively pointed out when they reached the hangar. A check with the flight tower revealed that the plane belonged to Robert C. Hansen, who lived on Old Harbor Road.

Hansen denied the allegations and his alibi of spending the night with a couple of friends checked out. 

02 September 1983
Decomposing remains were found buried in a shallow grave along Knick River. She was later identified as a topless dancer and prostitute from Anchorage.

This investigators were now convinced that they had a serial killer out and about so they sought the help of the FBI.

Special Agent John Douglas, a legendary figure in law enforcement, described the perpetrator as one who specifically chose prostitutes and topless dancers since they were transients and usually went unnoticed. Upon the urging of local investigators, Douglas began looking into Robert Hansen's background. He took note of the fact that Hansen was of small stature, heavily pockmarked and suffered from a severe speech impediment. Due to Hansen's unsightly looks, Douglas surmised that he suffered from severe skin problems as an adolescent and was probably teased by his peers. In turn, he would have low self-esteem, which would have prompted him to live in an isolated area. Douglas considered the abuse of prostitutes a way for perpetrators to get back at women. If Hansen was the killer, he was probably using them as a way to get his revenge. Several investigators were familiar with Hansen and said that he was known around the area as a proficient hunter. He earned this reputation after taking down a wild Dall sheep with a crossbow. Perhaps, Douglas surmised, Robert Hansen tired of elk, bear and Dall sheep, and had instead turned his attention to more interesting prey. As the profile progressed, Douglas told investigators that if Hansen was the killer, he was probably a "saver" and would be keeping small souvenirs from his victims.

The investigators immediately returned to the perp's alibi. They questioned Hansen's friends again, both fessed up when they were threatened with charges for lying and admitted that they were not with the suspect on the night of the incident. They also discovered that he was also committing insurance fraud by reporting several items that were stolen from his home and hiding it in his basement. This valuable admission made it possible for the police to get a search warrant for the suspect's property.

27 October 1983
Investigators took Hansen from his work to the police station for questioning. While he was being questioned, two groups went to search his house and plane. They only found weapons in his house but nothing close that would seem to involve him in any of the murders. They were about to end the search when they found a hidden compartment tucked away in the attic rafters. Within it they found a Remington 552 rifle; a Thompson contender 7-mm single-shot pistol; an aviation map, with specific locations marked off; various pieces of jewelry; newspaper clippings; a Winchester 12-gauge shotgun; a driver's license, and various ID cards, some of which belonged to the dead women. As incriminating as these items were, the most important piece of evidence was found last -- a .223-caliber Mini-14 rifle.

Back at the State Police Headquarters, Hansen kept denying all the allegations but after a short while, he finally grew tired and requested for an attorney. 

03 November 1983
Hansen was charged with four indictments: first-degree assault and kidnapping, five counts of misconduct in possession of a handgun, theft in the second-degree, and theft by deception in insurance fraud. They decided to hold off the murder charges for the moment as they were still waiting for the ballistic results but the above charges would already send him to prison.

20 November 1983
The ballistic results finally came and it confirmed that the shell casings found at the gravesites were fired from Hansen's rifles. 

22 February 1984
Hansen's defense attorney convinced him to agree that they would offer a deal with the D.A. in exchange for a full confession. He will only be charged with the four cases so that he will only serve time in a federal facility and not in a maximum-security institution.

According to the articles published by The Anchorage Daily News, he pled guilty to first-degree murder for four of the cases which sent him to the Lewisburg Federal Penitentiary.

The Actual Confession
"I pull out the gun—I think the standard speech was, 'Look you're a professional. You don't get excited, you know there is some risk to what you've been doing. If you do exactly what I tell you you're not going to get hurt. You're just going to count this off as a bad experience and be a little more careful next time who you are gonna proposition or go out with,' you know. I tried to act as tough as I could, to get them as scared as possible. Give that right away, even before I started talking at all. Reach over, you know, and hold that head back and put a gun in her face and get 'em to feel helpless, scared, right there … I'm sure--maybe it's not the same procedure for you--you always try to get control of the situation, so some things don't start going bad … maybe I've seen some cop shows on TV, I don't know, OK?"

The Butcher Baker's Hunting Game
It is reported that when Hansen gets a victim under his control, he takes them to his plane and flies them out to his remote cabin. He then brutally rapes and tortures them. Afterwards, he strips them naked, sometimes even makes them wear blindfolds and sets them free in the woods. He then gives the victim a fresh headstart before he hunts them down like a wild animal with either a hunting knife or a high-powered rifle. According to him he felt he was like "going after a trophy Dall sheep or a grizzly bear."

Hansen recollected a total of 15 gravesites and accompanied the police to every site on the map.

Alaskan Government | Hunting Humans by David Lohr (main source) | Knik River | Murderpedia | Criminal Minds

The Media
Several books and articles were published. The renowned Butcher Baker's story was even depicted in an episode of Criminal Minds and last year, 2013, the Frozen Ground movie was released.

21 August 2014
Robert Hansen passed away just last Thursday due to natural causes.

Monday, August 11, 2014

The ABCs of Heartaches

I see love. I hear love. I think love. I feel love. BUT was it really love? OR was it just the idea of love?

Falling in love with fictional characters might be a completely twisted notion but it is considered normal. You know that feeling when you're reading a book or for the nonreaders, when you're watching a movie and you get to the part wherein you start to strongly root for this couple even if the odds are always against them? Well hold on to that feeling for that was what I was personally feeling while I was reading my own life from the outside. This will all make sense in the next paragraph. Don't worry, there is nothing fictional about this post.

This is not a how-to-get-over-your-guy guide nor is it a grotesque description of what my heart feels like every time a piece is torn and broken. As cringing as it is to mention this cliché but life is a book and herewith I intend to share some of the outstanding guy characters who mistakeably happen to get themselves printed in the pages of my life. In other words, this is my kind of twisted tracker on the men that broke my heart and to make this interesting (or egotistical), whose hearts I have broken. I won't get into the nitty gritty gruesome details but it somehow dawned on me (Idk what I was thinking) that you would find it a tad fascinating if I introduce these perplexing beings to you. You can think of them as the deuteragonists in my story, one for every chapter. :)

Let's start singing the alphabet, shall we?

Does not justify A's real eyes for his were smaller
and much more enchanting but the shape is the same.
A (2014)
Ohh eyes, eyes, eyes. That was my favorite part about him. He had those charming anime-ish eyes and a picture perfect smile. He had the body of a runner who works out at the gym but isn't too buff, he always had that confidence stance and he is topped off with a stylishly soft but spiky set of hair. He's extremely sociable, can talk you out of your misery, offer reasonable advises, entertain you for hours, choke you up with punny remarks and give you the attention you deserve. He loves to party, play video games and spend his weekends going to concerts or music festivals. He is extremely hot, a little on the short side for a guy but still hot. He is charming, witty, smart, ambitious BUT is an infamous ladies man and a pathological liar. Why is there is always a BUT, huh? WHY?!!!

D (2013)
I cannot pinpoint what it is exactly I liked about him for he was the complete opposite of the guys I normally go for. His skin was darker than my usual type, he had that scruffy look going complete with sideburns and beard and is the outdoorsy kind. He likes to go skimming on the beach, camping in an isolated island or in a mountain; he would be up to go trekking or hiking in a dangerous cliff for vacation; he just loves travel in general and then document all of it.  He might not have that friendly innocent boy-next-door aura that I long for but he did have a friendly smile, is sociable and funny, can hold a conversation for a while, keep you entertained and is smart but that was it. We had nothing in common and he was completely smitten with his bestfriend. Oh so tragic.

Everything reminds me of E but music, most especially.
I probably won't ever feel the same way when I hear a certain song
and learning piano would be much painful this time around. 
He's the boy-next-door I've been dreaming of. He has kind eyes, has a perfect smile, 5'9" tall, has that slim fitted lanky model-ish body without the muscles and dresses chic for a straight guy. He was kind, sweet, loving, and shy. He did not talk much but when he did it made my heart go a-flutter. He makes it a point to give time for his Mom and he's not ashamed to admit it, he writes his heart out, sings beautifully, takes amazing photos, is extremely addicted to his cars and is loyal to his business, plays a number of instruments and aims to travel to atleast four countries around the globe every year. He offered to teach me to play the piano, we planned on doing a duet together, I urged him to start writing again and he was supposed to take me to Brazil. To sum it up, he was almost perfect BUT he did not take me seriously, I was just one of his options.

G (2008-2011)
I do not know much about him but what I do know is that he is smart, looks very dashing in a sweet boy-next-door kind of way and he has the same body built as E. He plays basketball, has joined pageants to represent his course, I vaguely remember that he sings too and I was the girl drooling, chearing and daydreaming in the sidelines. He was the university's campus hottie and every girl was begging for his attention. I had to get in the bandwagon ofcourse! Nothing like your harmless crush to keep you inspired to go to school everyday and even get a chance to stalk him in the Nursing canteen too! Haha!

J the 1st (2000)
He was my friend and seatmate during my elementary days. He was cute, not my usual type as he had darker skin but he had an adorable smile, expressive chinito eyes and he made me laugh. Fast forward a few years later, I got to work with him and he still remembers me being his childhood friend but thank goodness I couldn't feel any attraction to him anymore or it would have been awkwaaaard.

This is obviously not J the 2nd but from what I can recall, this is how striking his eyes looked.
Actor: Song Seung Hyun
J the 2nd (2001-2003)
Oh those innocently glorious elementary days. He's my first ever crush.  He had those beautiful almond-shaped eyes Asians are well known for, his jet black hair forming his beautiful face was like Biebers' but way cooler back then and I'm pretty sure he was smarter than I was considering that he was in the exclusive class for smart kids and I wasn't. Hah! He was totally out of my league. The hottest guy on campus that everyone literally has a crush on. He might have been smart but there was nothing nerdy about his physique. You know the story. I was a skinny little girl batting lashes every time I see him and I was invisible of course. That was purely physical attraction. No happy ending here. It didn't get anywhere than me stalking him. I did see him when he grew up though but he did not stand out as much as he did when he was younger.

J the 3rd (2006-2007)
We did not go to the same school but we met in Church. I don't remember what I liked about him but I do remember that I was so obsessed with him. He was lovely to look at with his clean, snowwhite skin and dazzling smile so that must be a few of the reasons. He, ofcourse, had that boy-next-door thing going for him. He also had that jet black hair with the Bieber cut which looked cool back in the day when Biebs wasn't yet Biebs.

J the 4th (2011)
His look reminded me of Liam Payne back in the same year (2011) when he still had those adorable curly hair and that hot smirk. J the 4th was Liam to a T! My crush for him probably just intensified because of my addiction to that certain boyband member back then. Oh and I found out a few years later that he knocked up a girl during that time when we started to get to know each other. Atleast he was decent enough not to pursue anything with me which makes me feel better knowing that I wasn't crazy back then imagining that he felt the same way.

J the 5th (2011)
I'm pretty sure I had a list of why we were meant to be but I can't seem to remember it now. Hhm. I think I fell for him because he is generally a good guy both inside and out. He had a blossoming career being a pilot, is easy to talk to, very kind but painfully shy. I don't think he has a single bad boy cell in his body, to be honest. He might have been a little bit on the chubby side but he is handsome and also had this lovely chinito eyes. I might have not fallen in love with him if he did not make the first move for he was completely out of my league. Turns out, like what I've been through too many times already, I was just one of his options.

J the 6th (2012)
He loves photography and will probably marry it when he can't find a muse in the future. I kid. Heh. He has those kind droopy eyes, a friendly smile and is on the lanky side. He loves to travel, spend time in beaches, is obsessed with heat and the sun and is head-over-heels smitten with his car. He is nice, sweet, an overall good guy but is completely immature. I've known him for almost 2 years and we haven't yet had a decent conversation without joking around. I love that he is fun but there comes a time when you have to be serious too. I have a crush on him, I still do but to be honest, I really don't see a connection nor a future with him. I'm not saying that he made a move for he never did! Hah! It's just that you can feel the he feels the same way when we're together, as friends, or may be just may be, I'm imagining things again.

J the 7th (2013)
My mind goes to a blank when I try to think of reasons why I liked him back then. I remember listening to tunes in his car while he was holding my hand. He had that scruffy bad boy look and his body was buff but the expression on his face was always witty, somewhat humorous. Now looking back, he probably looked like my bodyguard when he was beside me. Haha. He was one that I can never explain. He practically vanished into thin air. Last time we spoke he said that he had a problem and doesn't want me to get involved. Suffice to say, I probably was the problem thus the sudden warningless disappearing act.

R the 1st (Summer of 2007)
Dearest R the 1st, I'm really sorry for breaking your heart. I'm sorry I did not feel the same way. I'm sorry I changed your mind when you were set to pursue Priesthood. I heard from my friends back then the little outburst you had in your room when you got confused and decided that you didn't wanna serve Him in that way. I'm sorry. Oh and I'm sorry Papa God that I took away one of yours, I didn't mean to do that. I didn't even see him that way for I was so busy fawning over J the 3rd. I'm really sorry and until now, my conscience is still bugging me. I'm sorry for breaking a good guy's heart. Is that the reason why you took him back into your arms a couple or three years after? Or was he just meant to come back sooner into your arms? May you rest in peace R the 1st. I will never forget you.

R the 2nd (2013-2014)
He has guts, confidence and believes in himself way too much. He is kind and funny but he is not smart, not smart at all which is why I'm having a hard time trying to shake him off. I have this belief that if I don't like a guy, I don't give him a chance. It is usually easy to put them down and I put them down gently but this guy doesn't get it. I try not to lengthen it for their sake, you know, I do not wanna prolong their agony. The hard part about this is that we sometimes meet randomly and he seems to think that it is destiny that we met up like that. Isn't it just because that we lived in the same city and ride the same bus? Geez! I managed to get him out of my fur a year ago but then we randomly met again recently and he still believes that we are meant to be. Oh so help me or I'm going to effin tear my hair out. I don't wanna be mean but he is just relentless.

S (2007-2011)
He was my obsession in the University for four whole years. That is loyalty my dear friends, it was unrequited love for he did not see me the same way but you've gotta appreciate how loyal my heart was. He was my local version of David Archuleta and S even likes David! I know because one time he sang Crush while I was talking to my friend and he was with us and come to think of it, I don't know why he sang it that time. Weird. Anywho, he was kind, he can dance and is exceptionally smart but right now, I can't think of other reasons why I liked him because I don't know him that much.

Y (2013-2014)
I'm sorry for saying this but he's like a flu that keeps coming back. I am sometimes so dazed and captivated by his charm that I forget he is bad news. He, too, had beautiful chinito eyes and what made it more dazzling was his lashes! I wanted his lashes! Haha. He is a spawn from his Korean father and Filipina mother. His skin is on the darker side which he probably got his Mom's genes, he had curly soft hair that he would always prefer short and a really charming smile. This guy is an all around player, a Game Maker, a pathological liar who doesn't have a conscience and to top it all of, he is in a relationship so he is a cheater, the lowest of the lows. His charm is just spot on though! He knows how to use his words to bewitch girls which makes him extremely dangerous.

Ladies and gents, for those of you who do not know, I still have yet to find myself a worthy boyfriend so the guys up there only range from crushes, heartbreakers, my almosts and some whom I have singlehandedly tore their heart to pieces. My oh my, this will give me quite a laugh when I read back 10 years from now seeing I have the guts to publicly spill out everything and nothing at the same time.

HASHTAG #diary #filterlessmind #crazyperson

Friday, July 18, 2014

To Love and To Lose

Fear |fi(ə)r| noun  a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether it is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
Fears - everybody has one. These can range from the fear of heights, ghosts, spiders, clowns, lightning and for the majority of us, we fear oblivion.

I might sound downright cliché by admitting this but love has to be the one I fear the most. I admire everything about it, pain and all, but I am afraid of it. I fear of not finding my one true love. I fear of not being able to experience that magical selfless feeling from another person. I fear of not having someone to spend the rest of my life with. I guess I fear being alone too. I fear the uncertainty. I fear the future. I fear that I have been so consumed with the idea of love that I have ruined every chance I got.

I fear that there will come a time when I will eventually lose my optimism. I fear that someday a guy will come and take all of that silver lining that I've been holding on to all my life. I fear that someday I will lose hope. I fear that I won't even try. I fear that I will just eventually give up.


I do not, however, fear falling in love. I do not fear the pain that results from love. I do not fear starting over and trying to forget someone just as long as there is someone else meant for me. I know it sounds confusing. I just hope that in the end, after all the emotional scars and mental battles, I end up with someone I love who will love me back and who will stay through it all. I hope the possibility of love is enough to keep me holding on.

After all,

Don't worry, I still have hope. I just hope that I'll never lose it. Yes yes, I know I'm still too young (23 at the time that I'm writing this) and I shouldn't be too eager to experience everlasting love but come on, denying yourself of that beautiful lasting feeling is just too painful. I wanna experience it as long as I can, wouldn't you? 

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Letters ♥

"What happened to romance: sappy soppy longhand love letters?" -Lindy Taylor (Beastly, 2011) 
Writing has been and always will be my form of therapy. This is the only way I can truly express what I really feel; whether I'm happy, sad, giddy, jealous, mad or just plain in love with life - it is my go to emotional release. Truth be told, I rarely open up to people even if they're my friends. It's a side effect of being an introvert, you never really are comfortable expressing your emotions verbally.

I know it's not original but Jenny Hall's book To All The Boys I've Loved Before has inspired me to start writing letters for those guys who have meant something in my life and like the book, the intended recipient is only for my future self. But unlike the book, I'm hoping that these won't accidentally get sent in the mail for all of them to read. This sudden realization might also have resulted from binge watching classic romance flicks. The last one was P.S. I Love You, thus these letters. :)

In the past, I've always used my emotions to my artistic advantage by resorting to either writing songs or poetry and composing advice blog posts and there's nothing wrong with that but with the above medium, I can only express one part of that feeling and not all of the feelings I was feeling during that time period. Through these letters, I can easily pour my heart out without the hindrance of a certain topic, person or theme. It is less filtered than the above forms. From this day on wards, I vow to write letters to my future heart breakers and hopefully there will come a time when I will get to write sappy, soppy, longhand love letters but for now, I shall settle with these goodbye letters. This isn't the first time I did this, my best friend and I wrote letters for a guy we truly loved a couple of years ago and we had the utmost intention of sending it to them. It was a form of moving on for us. It did help us a lot so here I go again...

I am starting this journey with #16. No, it's not the number of guys who has come into my life but that's his favorite number. I've hinted a few times before how I really felt about him so I'm sure he knows how I feel. I just don't think he knows how much he means to me though but I doubt knowing will change anything.


I might be contradicting myself since I am deliberately planning to just type the letters and not write them using a piece of pen and paper, the old romantic fashion way. Well, these are goodbye letters so I am opting to save my longhand written ones for the happy giddy ones. Besides, my handwriting is indistinguishable, I'm too lazy to write and my mind goes a hundred miles per millisecond so writing in its truest forms always gets messy (tears and all) and it's just too slow of a process. Let me save the effort for my future love.

Alas, I shall just leave you with this piece of advice:
Don't regret the memories and never ever try to erase them, they came into your life for a reason; it's yours to decide whether to treat them as a blessing or a lesson.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014


The moment that we are conceived upon this world, we are given the freedom to choose. I won't get into the nitty gritty of it all as this would clearly stem from a number of factors involving religion, maturity, emotional dependence and the like but let me focus on this one bit - love. No surprise there, eh? ;)

This particular quote from John Green's bestselling novel has always been my mantra when it comes to love. He perfectly captured my principle which I must say I've been trying explain my whole life and he did it in merely two sentences! Hoorah John Green! Hoo-effin-rah!

Okay? Okay. See what I did there? Okay. I'm going to stop now. :D 

Choices - I happen to like my choices. It's one of the things in our lives that we can control but it's also one of the things that we rarely realize we can even control. Our future is in our own hands, I highly believe that. The very second that we let someone in our lives, we decide whether he or she is worthy enough for us to let our guards down. It boils down to whether or not that person is worth the pain in the future. That's the thing about falling in love and letting someone in, we give them the liberty to break our hearts. Don't get me wrong, we can never really predict our future but we can lessen the pain by choosing the lesser evil, as some might put it. 

-Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

If you know your worth, you will be mature enough to decide when to leave.
If you know your worth, you will be strong enough to wait for someone who deserves you.
If you know your worth, you will be brave enough to risk your heart for someone who's worthy
- accepting the baggage that comes along with them; pain, happy memories and all that mushy crap.

The moment that you choose him or her, you choose everything that comes along with them. Learn to like your choices and live with them. After all, you chose them. Live and let love my friends. Live and let love. 

Update 29June14:
"Do you still like your choices? I had to ask myself the same question shortly after getting hurt and I can honestly say that I still do. I chose him. I don't regret that. He chose me too. Sad to say, I was not the only one he chose. Hahaha. Twisted, right? Same old story. I just wish that he saw me in the same light that I saw him. I just wish that he fought for me to stay in his life but that is not the case. That is why I had to resort to finally following my own advise which I seldom do, 'If you know your worth, you will be mature enough to decide when to leave.'"

Sunday, June 15, 2014

An Open Letter for Daddy

May my love for you carry these words into the wind and take it where ever you may be, I know you're happy there Daddy. :')

Dearest Daddy,

Let me start by saying I love you. I know I did not say it a lot while you were still with us and I'll always regret that but I have and always will love you. I'm trying my best to compose my thoughts and my emotions, and to not burst into a massive puddle of tears while I am writing this. Two whole years and seven months still is not enough for this scar in my heart to heal. I keep pausing every few minutes or so just to wipe away the tears that I am now unable to hold back. I won't make this long for I know that you know how much I love you.

I just wanted to thank you for everything you have done for us. I might have been too young to understand back then the hardships you had to face being away from us, spending all those years in the middle of the ocean, in another continent just to provide for your family but I do now. I know it won't matter that much anymore but I really do appreciate it Daddy. You did your best to be with us anyway that you can and I appreciate that. I do hope you know that.

Seeing you suffer through "The Big C" was unbearable especially knowing that your days were numbered but I know you are safe and contented in God's arms right now and I am glad that you're not suffering anymore. I miss you and I love you, we all do.

Your little girl,


Sunday, May 18, 2014

Why She Waits

My dear friends, let me take you on a tour inside this cryptic 'ole head of mine. Heed my warning: if you are not in the mood for a roller coaster ride of emotions, then I suggest you close this window before it's too late. ;)

No more beating around the bush. No more sugarcoating. This is the unedited version of me - in all its raw form and glory.

I am a romantic. I believe in fate. I have faith in fate, no doubt about that. I am hopelessly hoping that someone, somewhere is meant for me. Truth be told, I have been waiting since I can remember. My friends are aware of that. Do not mock me, ladies and gents. I don't need a wake up call, thank you very much. Standing firm in my decision of not getting into a relationship does not necessarily mean that I am exempted to pain. I have been hurt many times too and there will always be those downright emotional days where I will find myself in the brink of giving up. It might not have hurt as much as what you guys have gone through but let's face it, no one really goes through the same things. All we have in common is that we have been through pain. It is the risk of falling in love; pain will always be inevitable. We can never really avoid it.

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt." -Augustus Waters, The Fault In Our Stars

I am not scared of getting into a relationship for fear of getting hurt. Let's get that out the equation. I just want to wait for someone who's worthy enough of hurting me but who's also strong enough to still hold on and never let go. Don't get me wrong, by saying that I'm waiting does not mean that I am not even trying. I go out on dates too. No, I don't sit in the corner of my bed looking out of the window while listening to hopeful tunes waiting for my Prince Charming to come along and sweep me off my feet. Come on guys! I. TRY. TOO. :)

Majority of the posts I see these days reject the idea of fate, of destiny, of a perfectly laid out plan for us or of a Higher Being that guides us to the right path, I call Him God. They call us foolish for believing; too naive to accept reality but I am not here to argue because despite what they say, I still believe. I'm not saying that the first guy I will have a relationship with is the guy that I will be spending the rest of my life with. Those scenes usually happen in fairytales, in our favorite chick flicks, in those classic love songs unless you're lucky enough to be his exception to the rule and if I am, then woopeedoo! Who am I to complain, right? :D BUT in case my first doesn't turn out to be my last then I have promised myself that he, at the least, has to be worth the pain. I owe myself atleast that. It is just like what John Green quoted in his book TFIOS, "It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you." Find someone who is worth the pain so you won't have any regrets in life. If you're asking me how you'll know the difference, listen to both your heart and mind. The heart wants what the heart wants, it can be foolish sometimes but your mind will be rational enough to learn from your past mistakes. Listen to both of them , one without the other would not be a love worth fighting for.

I do not want to dive blindly into a relationship just for the sake of it. I shall not look for it just because I'm lonely or just because I want it; I will find it when it feels right. Nor will I ever succumb to peer pressure just because everybody has found theirs. I will not allow myself to fall short when I know that I deserve better. It's not about the standards, contrary to popular belief, it's about your self-worth.

Alas my dears, I do not think lowly of you just because you have had a number of relationships. We are still in the same page. In fact, I salute you for keeping on trying. I salute you for keeping your heads up high amidst all those heartaches. I salute you for getting back up and be willing to go through it again. After all, the numbers won't matter when you have finally found the one who was born solely to be your better-half. You might not see it at the moment but it will all work out in the end.

Life is too precious to waste time by playing games and love is too valuable to put on hold. Keep your heart open - love will find you when you're ready. Never deny yourself the feeling of being in love - it's probably one of the best, if not the best of the feelings this world has to offer.