Friday, July 18, 2014

To Love and To Lose

Fear |fi(ə)r| noun  a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether it is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
Fears - everybody has one. These can range from the fear of heights, ghosts, spiders, clowns, lightning and for the majority of us, we fear oblivion.


I might sound downright cliché by admitting this but love has to be the one I fear the most. I admire everything about it, pain and all, but I am afraid of it. I fear of not finding my one true love. I fear of not being able to experience that magical selfless feeling from another person. I fear of not having someone to spend the rest of my life with. I guess I fear being alone too. I fear the uncertainty. I fear the future. I fear that I have been so consumed with the idea of love that I have ruined every chance I got.

I fear that there will come a time when I will eventually lose my optimism. I fear that someday a guy will come and take all of that silver lining that I've been holding on to all my life. I fear that someday I will lose hope. I fear that I won't even try. I fear that I will just eventually give up.

BUT...

I do not, however, fear falling in love. I do not fear the pain that results from love. I do not fear starting over and trying to forget someone just as long as there is someone else meant for me. I know it sounds confusing. I just hope that in the end, after all the emotional scars and mental battles, I end up with someone I love who will love me back and who will stay through it all. I hope the possibility of love is enough to keep me holding on.

After all,

Don't worry, I still have hope. I just hope that I'll never lose it. Yes yes, I know I'm still too young (23 at the time that I'm writing this) and I shouldn't be too eager to experience everlasting love but come on, denying yourself of that beautiful lasting feeling is just too painful. I wanna experience it as long as I can, wouldn't you? 

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Letters ♥

"What happened to romance: sappy soppy longhand love letters?" -Lindy Taylor (Beastly, 2011) 
Writing has been and always will be my form of therapy. This is the only way I can truly express what I really feel; whether I'm happy, sad, giddy, jealous, mad or just plain in love with life - it is my go to emotional release. Truth be told, I rarely open up to people even if they're my friends. It's a side effect of being an introvert, you never really are comfortable expressing your emotions verbally.

I know it's not original but Jenny Hall's book To All The Boys I've Loved Before has inspired me to start writing letters for those guys who have meant something in my life and like the book, the intended recipient is only for my future self. But unlike the book, I'm hoping that these won't accidentally get sent in the mail for all of them to read. This sudden realization might also have resulted from binge watching classic romance flicks. The last one was P.S. I Love You, thus these letters. :)

In the past, I've always used my emotions to my artistic advantage by resorting to either writing songs or poetry and composing advice blog posts and there's nothing wrong with that but with the above medium, I can only express one part of that feeling and not all of the feelings I was feeling during that time period. Through these letters, I can easily pour my heart out without the hindrance of a certain topic, person or theme. It is less filtered than the above forms. From this day on wards, I vow to write letters to my future heart breakers and hopefully there will come a time when I will get to write sappy, soppy, longhand love letters but for now, I shall settle with these goodbye letters. This isn't the first time I did this, my best friend and I wrote letters for a guy we truly loved a couple of years ago and we had the utmost intention of sending it to them. It was a form of moving on for us. It did help us a lot so here I go again...

I am starting this journey with #16. No, it's not the number of guys who has come into my life but that's his favorite number. I've hinted a few times before how I really felt about him so I'm sure he knows how I feel. I just don't think he knows how much he means to me though but I doubt knowing will change anything.


P.S.

I might be contradicting myself since I am deliberately planning to just type the letters and not write them using a piece of pen and paper, the old romantic fashion way. Well, these are goodbye letters so I am opting to save my longhand written ones for the happy giddy ones. Besides, my handwriting is indistinguishable, I'm too lazy to write and my mind goes a hundred miles per millisecond so writing in its truest forms always gets messy (tears and all) and it's just too slow of a process. Let me save the effort for my future love.


Alas, I shall just leave you with this piece of advice:
Don't regret the memories and never ever try to erase them, they came into your life for a reason; it's yours to decide whether to treat them as a blessing or a lesson.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

CHOICES.

The moment that we are conceived upon this world, we are given the freedom to choose. I won't get into the nitty gritty of it all as this would clearly stem from a number of factors involving religion, maturity, emotional dependence and the like but let me focus on this one bit - love. No surprise there, eh? ;)


This particular quote from John Green's bestselling novel has always been my mantra when it comes to love. He perfectly captured my principle which I must say I've been trying explain my whole life and he did it in merely two sentences! Hoorah John Green! Hoo-effin-rah!

Okay? Okay. See what I did there? Okay. I'm going to stop now. :D 

Choices - I happen to like my choices. It's one of the things in our lives that we can control but it's also one of the things that we rarely realize we can even control. Our future is in our own hands, I highly believe that. The very second that we let someone in our lives, we decide whether he or she is worthy enough for us to let our guards down. It boils down to whether or not that person is worth the pain in the future. That's the thing about falling in love and letting someone in, we give them the liberty to break our hearts. Don't get me wrong, we can never really predict our future but we can lessen the pain by choosing the lesser evil, as some might put it. 

-Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

If you know your worth, you will be mature enough to decide when to leave.
If you know your worth, you will be strong enough to wait for someone who deserves you.
If you know your worth, you will be brave enough to risk your heart for someone who's worthy
- accepting the baggage that comes along with them; pain, happy memories and all that mushy crap.

The moment that you choose him or her, you choose everything that comes along with them. Learn to like your choices and live with them. After all, you chose them. Live and let love my friends. Live and let love. 

Update 29June14:
"Do you still like your choices? I had to ask myself the same question shortly after getting hurt and I can honestly say that I still do. I chose him. I don't regret that. He chose me too. Sad to say, I was not the only one he chose. Hahaha. Twisted, right? Same old story. I just wish that he saw me in the same light that I saw him. I just wish that he fought for me to stay in his life but that is not the case. That is why I had to resort to finally following my own advise which I seldom do, 'If you know your worth, you will be mature enough to decide when to leave.'"

Sunday, June 15, 2014

An Open Letter for Daddy

May my love for you carry these words into the wind and take it where ever you may be, I know you're happy there Daddy. :')

Dearest Daddy,

Let me start by saying I love you. I know I did not say it a lot while you were still with us and I'll always regret that but I have and always will love you. I'm trying my best to compose my thoughts and my emotions, and to not burst into a massive puddle of tears while I am writing this. Two whole years and seven months still is not enough for this scar in my heart to heal. I keep pausing every few minutes or so just to wipe away the tears that I am now unable to hold back. I won't make this long for I know that you know how much I love you.

I just wanted to thank you for everything you have done for us. I might have been too young to understand back then the hardships you had to face being away from us, spending all those years in the middle of the ocean, in another continent just to provide for your family but I do now. I know it won't matter that much anymore but I really do appreciate it Daddy. You did your best to be with us anyway that you can and I appreciate that. I do hope you know that.

Seeing you suffer through "The Big C" was unbearable especially knowing that your days were numbered but I know you are safe and contented in God's arms right now and I am glad that you're not suffering anymore. I miss you and I love you, we all do.

Your little girl,

Gynkay

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Why She Waits


My dear friends, let me take you on a tour inside this cryptic 'ole head of mine. Heed my warning: if you are not in the mood for a roller coaster ride of emotions, then I suggest you close this window before it's too late. ;)

No more beating around the bush. No more sugarcoating. This is the unedited version of me - in all its raw form and glory.

I am a romantic. I believe in fate. I have faith in fate, no doubt about that. I am hopelessly hoping that someone, somewhere is meant for me. Truth be told, I have been waiting since I can remember. My friends are aware of that. Do not mock me, ladies and gents. I don't need a wake up call, thank you very much. Standing firm in my decision of not getting into a relationship does not necessarily mean that I am exempted to pain. I have been hurt many times too and there will always be those downright emotional days where I will find myself in the brink of giving up. It might not have hurt as much as what you guys have gone through but let's face it, no one really goes through the same things. All we have in common is that we have been through pain. It is the risk of falling in love; pain will always be inevitable. We can never really avoid it.

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt." -Augustus Waters, The Fault In Our Stars

I am not scared of getting into a relationship for fear of getting hurt. Let's get that out the equation. I just want to wait for someone who's worthy enough of hurting me but who's also strong enough to still hold on and never let go. Don't get me wrong, by saying that I'm waiting does not mean that I am not even trying. I go out on dates too. No, I don't sit in the corner of my bed looking out of the window while listening to hopeful tunes waiting for my Prince Charming to come along and sweep me off my feet. Come on guys! I. TRY. TOO. :)

Majority of the posts I see these days reject the idea of fate, of destiny, of a perfectly laid out plan for us or of a Higher Being that guides us to the right path, I call Him God. They call us foolish for believing; too naive to accept reality but I am not here to argue because despite what they say, I still believe. I'm not saying that the first guy I will have a relationship with is the guy that I will be spending the rest of my life with. Those scenes usually happen in fairytales, in our favorite chick flicks, in those classic love songs unless you're lucky enough to be his exception to the rule and if I am, then woopeedoo! Who am I to complain, right? :D BUT in case my first doesn't turn out to be my last then I have promised myself that he, at the least, has to be worth the pain. I owe myself atleast that. It is just like what John Green quoted in his book TFIOS, "It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you." Find someone who is worth the pain so you won't have any regrets in life. If you're asking me how you'll know the difference, listen to both your heart and mind. The heart wants what the heart wants, it can be foolish sometimes but your mind will be rational enough to learn from your past mistakes. Listen to both of them , one without the other would not be a love worth fighting for.

I do not want to dive blindly into a relationship just for the sake of it. I shall not look for it just because I'm lonely or just because I want it; I will find it when it feels right. Nor will I ever succumb to peer pressure just because everybody has found theirs. I will not allow myself to fall short when I know that I deserve better. It's not about the standards, contrary to popular belief, it's about your self-worth.


Alas my dears, I do not think lowly of you just because you have had a number of relationships. We are still in the same page. In fact, I salute you for keeping on trying. I salute you for keeping your heads up high amidst all those heartaches. I salute you for getting back up and be willing to go through it again. After all, the numbers won't matter when you have finally found the one who was born solely to be your better-half. You might not see it at the moment but it will all work out in the end.

Life is too precious to waste time by playing games and love is too valuable to put on hold. Keep your heart open - love will find you when you're ready. Never deny yourself the feeling of being in love - it's probably one of the best, if not the best of the feelings this world has to offer.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Human Nature: Love Spell

To love, to get hurt and to fall in love all over again - that is, my dear friends, human nature.

We fall in love - sleepless nights, butterflies in our tummy, endless exchange of witty messages, inside jokes, heartfelt touches and falling asleep with thoughts of him only to wake up still longing for him.

We get hurt - sleepless nights, aching in our chest, endless exchange of hurtful remarks, upsetting arguments, wounded looks and crying yourself to sleep only to wake up feeling that hole in your heart again.

The cycle only repeats itself until we find our other half. It’s one of the constant things that each of us, no matter where you are, no matter who you are, no matter what your beliefs are - we all endure it and we all seek for it.

We fall in love all over again - over thinking, instant connections, endless exchange of basic information, inside jokes, that sought-after spark and falling asleep with the hope of something new.

We endure it - the pain, the heartache, the lost loves, the throbbing memories because we have faith. Faith in fate, in destiny, in a greater power or in an already laid-out plan far superior than what our wretched minds can view at the moment. All of us have faith but most are just too proud to even admit it. We live our lives hoping for a brighter future and we hope to spend it with someone who is worth coming home to.

That is human nature. We live, we love, we get hurt and we’ll always find ourselves enraptured under that love spell. 

Disclaimer: Photo credit embedded on the picture.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Waiting for Ted Mosby

In the year 2030, a father sits his children down to tell them a story of how he met their mother. Nine seasons later, it reveals missing puzzle pieces from the previous seasons and concludes with mind boggling events.

Right from Season 1 until the last episode of the 9th season, I kept falling in love with Ted Mosby over and over again -  his flaws, his humor and his endless search for Mrs. Ted Mosby. The word destiny can highly be associated with Ted's character - he falls in love so many times, gets hurt even more but he never gives up. This might just be the hype because right now, as I type this, we only have one episode left before the dreaded end of one of my favorite TV shows so let's call this my appreciation post for guys like Ted. ;)



His faith in Destiny:



His thoughts:
It was like something from an old movie, where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy and says, “See that girl? I’m gonna marry her someday.”

— Ted Mosby, How I Met Your Mother

His vulnerable moments:


Love according to Ted:

“It’s love. I’m in love with her, okay? If you’re looking for the word that means caring for someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want no matter how much it destroys you, it’s love! And when you love someone, you just don’t stop. Ever. Even when people roll their eyes, or call you crazy, even then, especially then! You just don’t give up, because if I could give up, if I could just take the world’s advice and move on and find someone else that wouldn't be love! That would be some other disposable thing that is not worth fighting for… But that is not what this is!”— Ted Mosby, How I Met Your Mother


I'm not gonna lie, my loves. Finding a guy like Ted Mosby these days will be one heck of a 'needle in a haystack' scenario. Pretty sure there are still a few left but let's face it, it's a dog-eat-dog-world out there and if a guy finds out that his friend is a total softie and especially if he admits that he believes in all those things, it would be like he signed himself up for a life of hurt and bullying. The real world is a total ass and I'm hoping that the few guys left who are incurable romantics don't change just to be accepted by society. Sometimes guys need to grow up! Geez! Being a softie doesn't define your manhood. Ugh. Anyway, for my sake, and for other girls still holding on out there, I'm hoping we'll find our own Ted Mosby's in the future. Never lose faith ladies. Never ;)

"Destiny. It takes faith to believe but it takes even more courage to keep on waiting for the right one."